3.12.2008

Dogs on Thursday: Dogs 1, Cats 0


This was sent to me recently by a fellow dog/cat lover. I thought I'd post it and give all of our Thursday dogs a good laugh.

How to give a cat a pill:

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor an
d cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.


4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.




7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1
beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on
hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little darling's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call
local pet shop to see if they have any dogs.




How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

7 comments:

Dianne said...

OMG- That is soooo funny! I nearly peed myself laughing! So true about dogs and pills, too. I'm going to be chuckling about this for a long time!

dogquilter said...

Isn't that the truth!! Thanks for the laugh.

Happy Dog House said...

Have seen this before but it always makes me laugh whenever I read it.

Would you consider changing the settings on your blog so that people other than Blogger/Google members can leave comments? My blog is located at http://fireflynights.wordpress.com/ and the way you have your blog set up I can't leave comments using this ID. There are a lot of bloggers at places such as WordPress and Typepad that you have eliminated from posting comments, including some of the Dogs on Thursday people. If you would like to contact me you can do so through my blog. I have no profile listed at HappyDogHouse.

Kimberly Cushion said...

I just laughed out loud for 10 minutes! Awesome funny stuff. I have one cat that I can do the dog trick with with only one exception- crunch it really fine with the back of a spoon, put it in a tablespoon of cat food and keep the other cat from eating it. Done. Other, 15 pound fluffy evil kitty? Not so much.

Anne said...

LOL that is SO true. I had some pills for cleo for the first time and was like.. wow.. how do you even give a cat a pill? All I did for my dog maddie was pop it into a ball of cheese :p

Sonya said...

That was hilarious!
And very very true.

Lynn said...

ROTFL!!! OMG that is SO true!